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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Stallone Unwinds

"Look, I don't know what you guys put into my cryo-sludge, but when I 
thawed out the first thing I wanted to do was knit!" 
(Oh, Stallone, I know the feeling.)

My boyfriend has a habit of bringing home fistfuls of DVDs. Usually I get all excited only to discover they are macho, Schwarzenegger-infused action films. Now don't get me wrong, I love a little Arnold now and then (child of the 80's, right here). But when I sat down to begrudgingly watch “Demolition Man” for the first time, I decided to knit my way through the grunting, kick-boxing and lame one-liners, and had no idea that Sylvester Stallone would be joining me on the needles.

To my shock and awe, partway through the futuristic film, Stallone - whose character is a tough cop put away in a cryogenic prison for 30 years for demolishing a public structure and accidentally killing 30 civilians - picks up a ball of yarn with two needles stuck through it, and with no explanation whatsoever, begins to calmly skein the ball around his bulging biceps (see first photo). I am fascinated. I am hooked. My needles are idle in my lap. My boyfriend is bored.
Cut to the next scene in which Stallone presents his love interest (Sandra Bullock) with a freshly made, bright red, cabled sweater. Cue swoon. (Don’t ask how he managed to make an entire sweater in one night with one ball of yarn or why he was skeining already balled yarn). She is thrilled with the gift, naturally, and explains that while in prison he was “programmed” to knit and sew as part of his behavioral engineering. The knowledge and desire to carry out a skill or trade is implanted while the prisoner is frozen in cryo-prison. The skill is chosen to fit the prisoner’s genetic disposition. Stallone’s trade? Seamstress. 

See how happy she is with her sweater?

Now, any knitter will tell you it’s virtually impossible to knit an entire sweater in one night - especially a cabled number. Consider, though, that Stallone’s character is not only shredded, he has basically been brainwashed. I think his combo of muscle power and brain power speaks for itself. The rest of you are just jealous that Sly can knit faster than you. And if you start to pick apart this movie, you will find it never-ending. Just take it for what it is: a movie about guys blowing shit up with a little knitting thrown in. I’ll take it.